Limoges

Limoges was the birthplace of Auguste Renoir, the fastest of all the impressionists, who always managed to paint ladies just as they were getting out of the bath. The run-down centre of Limoges was rebuilt in the nineteenth century because it had become a notorious locale for prostitution and chicken-eating contests. It's tragic how often those two vices seem to run together.

In the department of Haute-Vienne you will find the Château de Rochechouart, built around 1200 by Aymeric VI. While Aymeric was away (presumably massacring heathens,) his lovely wife Alix was accused of adultery by the castle's evil janitor. Poor Alix was thrown into the lion's cage (no, I didn't know they kept pet lions then either) but the lion, sensing her innocence and purity, rolled over and asked to have its tummy tickled. Alix' innocence thus proven, the janitor was thrown into the cage and the lion, sensing his duplicity and protein-value, ate him.

Meanwhile, in the neighbouring department of Corrèze, you'll find the Château de Bity. Despite its architectural and historical insignificance, the Château was granted Historic Monument status in April 1969. Coincidentally, it had been bought only a month previously by the then Secretary of State, Jacques Chirac.

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Limousin(e)

Limousin is slap in the middle of France (and left a bit). It's very rural and is the second least populated region after Corsica. It is also the only French region to have given its name to a 20' car with a jacuzzi in the back. Historians claim the association comes from the very long cloaks worn by Limousin shepherds, though what shepherds were doing driving limos is anyone's guess.

It is said that more people live in the city of Marseille than in the whole of the region of Limousin. Earlier this year, they put this to the test and the entire populations swapped places. Sure enough, all the Limousins were comfortably housed in Marseille (with apartments to spare) while many Marseillais were unable to find accommodation in Limousin and ended up sleeping rough on park benches.

Limousin is famous for its oak trees, used for wine barrels throughout France. I'm a beer drinker myself, but I do find that the phenols in Limousin oak interact cheekily with the wine to bring out its tea, caramel, smoke and raspberry notes. Another natural resource is kaolin, which gave birth to Limoges porcelain and also has medicinal properties. So if you're after a nice mug or just have a gyppy tum, Limoges is the place for you.

Limoges is the region's capital, and the location of the world's first (and so far only) Gregorian Chant - laundering scam. Adémar de Chabannes, eleventh-century monk and composer put it about that he'd discovered a Mass by Limoges' patron saint, Martial. The Mass was an instant hit and topped the charts for several years. It wasn't until 1920 that someone pointed out the uncanny handwriting similarities between the 'Saint Martial' Mass and Adémar's own, earlier hit 'Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam, Gloria in Excelsis.'


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Life in the slow lane

another nice observation from Perry Taylor

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Freedom Crêpes

There's a Montpelier in the USA as well (I reckon that's where Samantha and Jillian came from.) The Yankees named their Montpelier in honour of the French who'd helped them fight the British in the War of Independence. The Yankees celebrated with their French buddies, drank Vin de Pays d'Oc and renamed their Yorkshire Puddings Freedom Crêpes. How times have changed.

In the Aude department lies the magnificent fortress-city of Carcassonne. The Celts probably started it, the Romans added to it and were thrown out in AD 462 by the Goths (who then, as today, tended to dress in black and listen to gloomy music.) Frankish King Clovis tried to get in in 508, but the Goths weren't having any of it. In 725 the Goths were thrown out by Saracens from Barcelona, who in turn were thrown out by King Pippin, who must have been much harder than his name suggests ("Hey, don't mess with Pippin!") Carcassonne today is allegedly haunted by several ghosts, including a fat man who stands and stares at tourists. Terrifying.

The Romans built some of their finest ruins in Nîmes. Many of these were built by Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa, including the Maison Carrée or square house, so called because it's rectangular. Prior to redeveloping Nîmes, Marcus famously defeated the last Queen of Egypt, Cleopatra, who had a legendary asp.

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Brasso

Every year in Languedoc-Roussillon, millions of litres of perfectly-drinkable wine are assigned to the EU wine lake and turned into undrinkable industrial alcohol. Is that what you want? Because that's what'll happen if you don't get down there sharpish. Languedoc-Roussillon is the single biggest wine-producing region in the world and until recently produced more wine that the whole of the USA. The relatively new Vin de Pays d'Oc classification has allowed winemakers to get away from traditional labelling (which apparently 70% of the French don't understand) and to market such brands as Red Bicyclette and Fat Bastard. However, unless you buy one of our properties in Languedoc-Roussillon, millions of bottles of Red Bastard will be turned into Brasso. Think about it.

The capital of Languedoc-Roussillon is Montpellier, which was the birthplace of Samantha Steverman and Jillian Raines (hang on, they don't sound very French?) Samantha won the World Champion Fly Fishing Trophy and 5-time "Lil' Miss Montpellier" Pageant Princess (Second Runner-up,) while Jillian established the first nudist beach in Southern France and founded the first Juvenile Delinquent Reform School (presumably on the nudist beach - that should keep them out of trouble.) Montpellier's university is the oldest in the world and numbers the sage and clairvoyant Nostradamus (1503-1566) among its alumni. Spookily, Nostradamus predicted that in 2011, you would be considering buying a property in Lauguedoc-Roussillon.


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Beware of the fox

 cartoon by Perry Taylor

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Headaches

France's patron Saint Denis was beheaded on Martyrs' Hill - Montmartre. Being a saint, he then picked up his head and walked for two miles, preaching a sermon all the way. Some vicars just don't know when to stop. Denis' headless walk posed a problem for medieval artists: where to put the halo? Some had Denis carry his halo in his free hand, while others put the halo where his head used to be. Neither solution looked very dignified. After the Black Death in 1348, the church set up The Fourteen Holy Helpers, a spiritual A-Team for times of plague. Each saint could be appealed to for a different ailment. Appropriately, or in rather poor taste, depending on your point of view, Denis got 'headaches.'

The Basilica of Saint Denis was founded on the spot where Denis finally shut up and dropped down dead. It became the burial site of almost all the French monarchs, including Pippin the Fearsome, Charles the Bald, Louis VII and Catherine de Medici. During the Revolution, all the royal tombs were opened and the bones were thrown higgledy-piggledy (no, I don't know what the French is for 'higgledy-piggledy') into a nearby pit. In 1815, (the Napoloeon thing didn't work out,) France decided to be a monarchy again and the poor kings (and queens) were dug up again. However, due to the higgledy-piggledy nature of their second burial, the bones couldn't be identified.

The new king Louis XVIII was anxious not to create a Pippin VII or a Catherine the Bald, for fear it would bring the Monarchy into disrepute, so it was decided to re-bury all the remains, still higgledy-piggledy in the St Denis Basilica. They're still there today, still mixed-up, and finally enjoying some P & Q. By the way, I've just found higgledy-piggledy and, disappointingly, it's pêle-mêle. No poetry, the French.

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Ah, Paris...

Ah, Paris... What can one say about Paris that hasn't already been said before? Let's give it a go.
Paris' Latin motto is "Fluctuat nec mergitur", which means "Tossed by the waves, she does not sink." This seems a pretty safe bet for a city 184 miles from the nearest sea. Unless, of course, the author of the motto was the 16th century sage and clairvoyant Nostradamus who knew something we don't about global warming.

In what is, we believe, a true Catch-22 situation, Paris' Roman antiquities are now under threat from the very organisation set up to preserve them. The National Institute of Preventive Archaeological Research was built on the site of the Roman city of Lutetia, and in recent years, they have unearthed Roman baths, bronze chains (for the plug?) ceramics and, quaintly, drawer-handles. I imagine archaeologists of the year 4,000 will find similar artefacts when they excavate on an Ikea site. Frustratingly, the Institute can't house the artefacts they'e found unless they expand their premises - and to do so will obliterate the rest of Lutetia. "Why don't they just move the Institute?" I hear you ask. Go on then, you ask them. They won't listen to us.

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Les hieroglyphs pour les nuls

Astérix & Cléopâtre (1968) - Les Egyptiens parlaient comme ça
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Football, squid and omelettes

Besançon is the capital of Franche-Comté, and its 4th division football club is bizarrely called Besançon Racing Club. This may explain why it plays in the 4th division. Besançon is famous for producing status-symbol quartz watches and automatic ticketing machines for airport car parks. Think of Besançon next time you reach uncomfortably from your car window and drop your ticket in a puddle. The city's famous sons include the Lumière brothers (see our Provence blog,) Victor Hugo and Raymond Blanc.

Victor Hugo is best known for writing Les Miserables and The Hunchback of Notre Dame, which, as a stage musical and a Disney film, have gone on to generate millions in theatre revenue and sales of cuddly hunchback toys. Hugo also enjoyed merchandise spin-off success in his own lifetime, with the publication of Toilers of the Sea. Until his sea-creature novel came out, most French believed that the squid was a mythical beast. Thanks to Victor, Paris was gripped by squid fever and the 1866 Society Season was a-slither with squid parties, squid exhibitions, squid dishes and squid hats.

Raymond Blanc probably knows what to do with a squid. Disappointingly though, he came last in the Omelette Challenge in BBC's Saturday Kitchen. Blanc dithered for minutes over his omelette, whilst Jun Tanaka had his on-the-plate and covered in ketchup in just 17 seconds. The 1994 Japanese attempt at world's largest omelette probably took even longer to cook than Blanc's. The Japanese chefs then had to eat the 160,000-egg omelette whilst live hamsters were inserted in their underpants. Probably.

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Saint Columbanus in Franche-Comté

Franche-Comté means "free county", and used to be the Free County of Burgundy, to distinguish it from The Duchy of Burgundy next door. If I understand correctly (which is always debatable,) the rulers of Burgundy found it useful to divide the kingdom whenever they had two sons, so each could have a bit. The name Franche-Comté first appears in 1366, and the region has so far resisted proposals by Norman (see our Centre blog) to re-name it The Bit Near Switzerland Half Way Up The Right Hand Side.

The region was christianised in the sixth century by St Colombanus. Columbanus was an Irishman and was born in Nobber, County Meath. It may even have been Columbanus himself who composed "I love Nobber in the Springtime" and "Nobber, Nobber, it's a Wonderful Town". He was ridiculously good-looking ('Colum Ban' means 'handsome Colum',) and his perfect bone-structure exposed him daily to the shameless advances of local women. Columbanus sought advice from a "religious woman", who must have been truly religious, because, rather than recommending regular weekly counselling sessions, she told him to flee from almost-certain temptation and take the Holy Word to Franche-Comté. He did so, and today you can visit Luxeuil Abbey, which he founded in 590. Many miracles are attributed to Columbanus, including persuading a bear to excavate his cave. Quite how he persuaded the bear is not recorded. Of course, it may have been a female bear, in which case, she probably offered to lay his patio as well.


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caveat emptor...

... another cautionary cartoon from Perry Taylor

 

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Optimism in Champagne-Ardennes

In the cathedral at Troyes, Louis the Stammerer (see our Alsace blogs) was sworn in as Emperor in 878. The ceremony took longer than expected. Today, Troyes is home to the Lacoste © brand. Created by 1920's French tennis star René Lacoste, the famous shirts were marketed in the US as "The status symbol of the competent sportsman". In the UK, the slogan was "Never mind, Tim, at least they'll keep you warm". The stunning medieval city of Troyes is twinned with Chesterfield in the UK, which has the edge, at least where sofas are concerned.

Troyes was the birthplace of Émile Coué, pharmacist and hypnotist, remembered for "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better", which he did, until his death in 1926. Coué advocated optimistic autosuggestion, by which, "Any idea exclusively occupying the mind turns into reality." I'm therefore concentrating exclusively on the thought that these articles are getting better. If Coué was right, they will. The same can work for you too - these blogs will SEEM to be getting better. Just believe.

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